We all know leaders who proudly describe themselves as “just very direct.” They say what they think, no sugar-coating. Yet when their teams struggle with engagement or high turnover, they blame others for being “too sensitive.”
The reality is usually simpler: they’re not actually being “direct” - they’re being tactless. Directness without empathy isn’t clarity; it’s blunt force. And in leadership, blunt force rarely produces the results you want.
Great leaders know this. They deliver hard messages without humiliation. They set boundaries without alienating. They’re kind and firm.
Directness without tact is a weakness, not a strength
When leaders treat bluntness as a virtue, they often:
- Speak the same way to everyone regardless of context.
- Deliver feedback as a verdict rather than a dialogue.
- Mistake shock for impact.
This doesn’t make you “transparent.” It makes people defensive and erodes trust. And once trust goes, performance follows.
Context is your leadership superpower
One of the underused privileges of leadership is having options: more communication channels, more authority, more tools. Use them.
- Adapt tone to the situation. Urgent safety issue? Be crisp and unequivocal. Sensitive performance conversation? Be direct but slower, with space for reaction.
- Adapt content to the audience. Senior peers can handle raw numbers. A junior team member may need more framing and encouragement.
- Separate person from behaviour. Critique the work, not the worth.
Everything can be said; not everything can be said the same way.
A simple framework: clear → compassionate → committed
When you need to deliver a tough message, walk through these three steps:
- Clear. State the fact or decision plainly. No euphemisms.
- Compassionate. Acknowledge the human impact. “I know this is disappointing” or “I appreciate how much you’ve invested.”
- Committed. Outline the path forward. What happens next? What support is available?
This balances firmness with humanity.
Feedback without burnout
Feedback is one of the most critical areas to practice this skill. Try:
- Ask permission. “May I give you some feedback?” primes the listener to receive.
- Use “SBI” (Situation–Behaviour–Impact): describe what happened, what you observed, and the effect it had.
- Offer a path forward. People can’t change the past but they can act on the future.
This is direct, but not brutal.
Model the culture you want
Your team learns not just from what you say but how you say it. If you normalise kindness with firmness, they’ll mirror it with clients, suppliers, and each other. Over time, you build a culture where:
- People tell the truth early rather than hide problems.
- Mistakes are corrected without shame.
- Decisions are respected even when they’re tough.
This isn’t “soft.” It’s the shortest route to sustainable performance.
Practical tips for the next month
- Observe your own delivery. After a difficult conversation, ask yourself: “Did my tone match my intent?”
- Seek feedback on your feedback. Invite a trusted colleague to tell you how your message landed.
- Prepare key messages. For high-stakes topics, write your first draft, then rewrite it with more tact without losing clarity.
- Acknowledge effort publicly, correct privately. This simple habit multiplies respect.
Kind and firm: the real leadership edge
Leaders are paid to get results, not to become inhuman. By combining clarity with tact, directness with empathy, you increase not dilute your impact. You earn trust, reduce resistance, and still drive performance. That’s what “kind but firm” really looks like.
Raido Kivikangur is an Executive Clarity Coach and former CTO (€3B+ infrastructure programmes) who helps tech and infrastructure leaders cut through decision fatigue and lead with calm authority.
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